Your Child Is Not Your Lover – Victor Ruth

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    “Vic, my family and some other friends are asking me to focus on my child.

    They said I shouldn’t think of a man. That I should focus on raising my son. Am I weird for desiring a man in my life?

    I just want to have a beautiful relationship. Is it too much to ask?”

    She said this to me on a phone call. She had called me to vent and evacuate her emotions.

    Do you think she is asking for too much?

    So here is the thing.

    There are different types of relationships. Each type of relationship plays a different role in our lives.

    I think this is why women are usually advised not to cut off their friends when they get into romantic relationships.

    A relationship can quickly become a lonely place if the conditions aren’t right.

    Asking a woman to focus on her child sounds like gender bias. Especially since we are not likely to say that to a man. And if we do, we may not say it as often as we would to a woman.

    A woman’s child can only be her child. That child will not become her lover. Unless we are unconsciously trying to encourage incestuous relationships.

    Your child will meet your need for motherhood, but that’s where it ends.

    Your child will not give you intimacy and companionship.

    Then of course there is the sexual need.

    A person asking a woman to focus on her child and leave men (romantic relationships) alone is either being ignorant or malicious.

    We can advise a woman to build relationships within healthy boundaries.

    We can encourage her to choose her partner wisely.

    But what we shouldn’t do is tell her to eliminate the option of a relationship in its entirety.

    Healthy relationships are great. If she can build healthy relationships then nothing should stop her from doing that.

    She has her own needs that should be met. Asking her to focus only on her child, feeds the narrative that all she lives for is her child.

    As a woman, you have a life outside your motherhood, wifehood, daughterhood and other hoods.

    You need to know that your desire to be in a relationship, as a divorcee, widow, single mother is valid. Do not entertain doubt. Be confident in your desire.

    Your desire is valid.

    And, you should also know that your child has his own life. He won’t always be there with you.

    He will surely need to build his own relationships.

    Do not turn him into what he is not. He is your child, not your lover and definitely not a replacement for his father.

    If you want a relationship, go ahead and get a decent relationship. It is valid.


    Article by Victor Ruth, Follow him on Facebook here

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