Building great relationships takes time and energy. Many people only discover how valuable such relationships are when they are tested. One author writes: ‘Contouring your heart to beat with another requires extensive whittling, to trim away self-centredness. Some says that it’s like riding the bus; if you are going to have a company you must then be willing to stop over to accommodate other people and their baggage they bring.’
Any individual in your life influencing you negatively (ungodly counsels) should never be allowed to remain as a friend. In 2Samuel 13:1-29, we were told how an individual person’s kingship was destroyed just because of toxic friendship. Jonadab was Amnon’s best friend and they have live together for years, possibly sharing ideas, dreams, vision, and goals. A time came when Jonadab needed an advice from his so-called friend Amnon regarding his future. That one piece of advice actually cost his future as king.
‘And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her. And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do anything to her. But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David’s brother: and Jonadab was a very subtil man.And he said unto him, Why art thou, being the king’s son, lean from day to day? wilt thou not tell me? And Amnon said unto him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister. And Jonadab said unto him, Lay thee down on thy bed, and make thyself sick: and when thy father cometh to see thee, say unto him, I pray thee, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see it, and eat it at her hand.
‘So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand. Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, Go now to thy brother Amnon’s house, and dress him meat. So Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house; and he was laid down. And she took flour, and kneaded it, and made cakes in his sight, and did bake the cakes. And she took a pan, and poured them out before him; but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, Have out all men from me. And they went out every man from him. And Amnon said unto Tamar, Bring the meat into the chamber that I may eat of thine hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, come lie with me, my sister…’ The story continued.
This is the main reason why you need to be careful about those you allow into your life as friends. Any friendship that does not add to you, increase, appreciate, establish or multiply you, but subtracts, makes life worse or brings you failure should be cut off. It does not matter how long the friendship has lasted. You are safer breaking that friendship before your life is broken down alongside your health. Be open and frank with such ‘toxic friends’ and let them know that you cannot get anywhere with their negative influences on your life. Remember that such toxic friendships are like a car with flat tyres. You cannot go anywhere until you change those tyres.
FRIENDSHIP IS A CHOICE YOU MAKE AND NOT LEGALLY DEMANDED!
Who is the friend in your life that you share your dreams and ideas with? Whoever he or she is, you need to be very careful because it could really cost your destiny. In proverbs 18:24, Solomon said ‘there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother’. Relationship is about quality, not quantity. That is why heart connection can be so much stronger than blood connections when it comes to relationships. ‘Can two walk together, except they be agreed?’ – Amos 3:3 KJV.
Staying away from toxic relationships or friendships means simply means that, you have the responsibility to avoid relationships that may have a negative influence on your life and hinder you from getting to your destiny. When it comes to your purposes in life, you need to be aware and look out for those people who may discourage you from your assignment in life and avoid them completely
It is very important to know that people you call friends are very necessary in achieving your purpose in life. They are either adding to you or subtracting from you. They are either making your life better or making it worse. You decide the types of friendship you want to keep or to avoid in order to get to your sure destiny.
‘A righteous person is cautious with friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray’ – Proverbs 12:26
To be able to overcome the limitations to destiny, it is crucial to take your time and assess the types of friendship you have in your life. If there are friendships or relationships that regularly affect your productivities emotionally and sometimes affect your health, it is about time you decided to keep them or get rid of them completely so as to get to your sure future.
You are either being kept in the basement of life or taken higher onto the mountain of life by the people we allow in your life
You must avoid the company of those people who do not in any way share your vision or have your interest at heart. You must do everything to protect and preserve your destiny. God has a purpose, a plan for you, and a brighter and greater future. This is why you must not allow negative people to sow seeds of discouragement in your life and distract you from God’s divine purpose for you.
In Psalms 1:1, we are admonished not to even walk with them: ‘Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful’.
It is not easy to stay away from so-called friends, but my fellow believers, it will be in your best interests to do whatever you can do to stay away from them. A negative individual or friend has the tendency to influence your character and behaviours. Birds of a feather flock together.
Interestingly, you cannot determine the outcome of a relationship and know if that person in your life will continue to remain the dependable and reliable individual they were when you first met them. More often than not, it is not very easy to identify any destructive friendship, but it is good to be aware of this possibility.
As you decide to overcome the things that hinder you from reaching your goals in life, it is also vital to be aware of those friends that set themselves as negative critics in your life. These individuals could be limiting you by reminding you of your past mistakes and shortfalls.
‘Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.’ – Romans 16:17-18
It is important that you treat people the same way you would like them to treat you. You need to see and assess the benefits of your friends in your life. Each and every one of us needs friends in our lives. No one is an island. We need friends who will help us get to our destiny and are willing to accommodate us during the good and the bad times.
Therefore these are the types of relationship or friendship that you need in your life. You need a friend who will enable you and empower you to make good decisions regarding crucial moments in your life. Wouldn’t you want a good friend to lift you up when you have fallen into the gutter?
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.’ – Proverbs 27:17 King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
When it comes to your achievement in life, there will be different kinds of individual who will be attracted to you. These people can be classified as pilot friends, first-class friends and economy friends determining your flight in life.
PILOT FRIENDSHIPS
These kinds of individuals are friends in your life serving as mentors and giving you speed in whatever you do. They board your friendship flight to motivate you, encourage and sometimes takes the ultimate responsibility to ensure that you achieve your dream. A pilot friend adds value to you and propels you to get to that sure goal that you have set for yourself. They share your vision and sometimes will go all the way to stay with you until you become all that God has made you to be. They never leave you along the way, regardless of your mistakes. They actually see great treasure in you and bring the gold out of you.
Remember that this kind of individual in your life does not spy on you but is always there to celebrate your success. They are very concern about your failures, because they can see the greatness in your life and will go all the way to encourage you to get to the top. Pilot friends know your weaknesses, but will not remind or dwell on a negative past or limit your progress in the pursuit of your dreams. They will rather show your strengths even in the midst of fearful events, just to fortify your faith, free your spirit whenever there is anxiety. They do not leave you in mid air. They become your pillar in life.
FIRST-CLASS FRIENDSHIPS
These types of friends also gravitate toward you, simply because you share the same vision with them. They only stay with you as long as they can get something from you. Sometimes when situations get worst and things are not getting the way they think they should be they get offended and give all kinds of excuse to stay away from you, even though they share the same vision with you.
They have different agendas regarding the fulfilment of their dreams and will only give you limited information as to what to do to achieve God’s purpose for your life.
ECONOMY FRIENDSHIPS
Economy friendships are those who come into your life only because of what you can give them. They do not add value to you but are always there to collect and receive from you. Although they also share your vision, they will not be happy if you are doing better than them. They will do everything possible to keep you in economy class with them. They are only happy for you until you decide to do something productive with your life. They will say things like ‘We are all managing fine here and now you are saying that you have to move on in life’. They will frustrate you from moving higher.
Even though you are thinking positive to remain focused on your assignment in life, these individuals will have negative ideas about you. You need to keep a positive attitude even when you are in the midst of these toxic friends. Develop and establish defence mechanisms or boundaries to create your own happiness when you are around them.
Toxic friends do not only limit themselves – they also limit the progress of people around them. They also cease to add value or contribution to the friendship that you have with them and cause division among you and more productive friends who are willing to come into your life. Stay away from them!
Life is not built on selfishness and self-centeredness; it’s built on productive and relevant relationships.
Written by: Ferdinard Senyo Lawson
Ferdinard Senyo Lawson is a Creativity Award (CA-AWARD, 2015) Best Life Coach & Best Public Speaker Winner, True African Heritage Awards (BEST AUTHOR, 2015) and Beffta. Founder & C.E.O of Ferdinard Lawson Empowerment & Inspirational Agency C.I.C ( FLEiA.CIC) in UK, Public Health Professional, Author, Lifestyle Coach, Transformational & Public Speaker and Publication Consultant. He is an international speaker.
